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A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of -- Ogden Nash

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure -- Segal's Law

All phone calls are obscene -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them -- Galileo Galilei

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are -- Earl Mac Rauch

As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use -- William James

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking -- HL Mencken

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking -- Clement Atlee

Efficiency is intelligent laziness -- Anonymous

Every increased possession loads us with new weariness -- John Ruskin

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three -- Alice Kahn

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it -- Groucho Marx

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty -- Billy Wilder

Honesty is the best image -- Tom Wilson

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it -- Garrison Keillor

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me -- John Cleese

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me -- Hunter S. Thompson

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth -- Umberto Eco

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world -- Oscar Wilde

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself -- Marlene Dietrich

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception -- Groucho Marx

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness -- James Thurber

I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on -- Beryl Pfizer

It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it -- Arnold Toynbee

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society -- Krishnamurti

It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it -- Robert E. Lee

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not -- Fran Lebowitz

Law of coffee: as soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Law of lockers: if there are only two people in a locker-room, they will have adjacent lockers

Law of the result: when you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable -- Woody Allen

Many books require no thought from those who read them, and for a very simple reason they made no such demand upon those who wrote them -- Charles Caleb Colton

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted -- Hesketh Pearson

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up -- Lily Tomlin

Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be -- Jim Horning

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us -- Kurt Vonnegut

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read -- Groucho Marx

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning -- Rick Cook

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored -- Evelyn Waugh

Some things have to be believed to be seen -- Ralph Hodgson

Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves -- Rudyard Kipling

That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another... -- Charles M. Schulz

The higher the buildings, the lower the morals -- Noel Coward

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little -- Joe Martin

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius -- Oscar Wilde

Theatre rule: at any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last

There is no greater impotence in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you -- Norman Mailer

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know -- Ambrose Bierce

Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying -- Ronald Reagan

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities -- Voltaire

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing -- Elbert Hubbard

To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody -- Quentin Crisp

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? -- Fred Allen

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1

1. Never tell everything at once -- Ken Venturi

2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2 -- Grabel's Law

A

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it -- Bob Hope

A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind -- Robert Bolton

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized -- Fred Allen

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to -- Granville Hicks

A chess genius is a human being who focuses vast, little-understood mental gifts and labors on an ultimately trivial human enterprise -- George Steiner

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read -- Mark Twain

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works -- John Gaule

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece -- Ludwig Erhard

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done -- Fred Allen

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time -- Alfred E. Wiggam

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits -- Woodrow Wilson

A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs -- German Proverb

A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library -- Westheimer's Discovery

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset -- James Gould Cozzens

A diplomat ... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip -- Caskie Stinnett

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of -- Ogden Nash

A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought -- Dorothy L. Sayers

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold -- Ogden Nash

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject -- Sir Winston Churchill

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic -- George Bernard Shaw

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions -- Wilson Mizner

A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool -- Joseph Roux

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body -- Unknown

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship -- John D. Rockefeller

A girl should not expect special privileges because of her sex but neither should she adjust to prejudice and discrimination -- Betty Friedan

A good conversationalist is not one who remembers what was said, but says what someone wants to remember -- John Mason Brown

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something -- Wilson Mizner

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author -- GK Chesterton

A good reputation is more valuable than money -- Publilius Syrus

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul -- George Bernard Shaw

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices -- William James

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience -- John Updike

A hospital is no place to be sick -- Samuel Goldwyn

A husband is like a fire: he goes out when unattended -- Evan Esar

A hypocrite is a person who - but who isn't? -- Don Marquis

A joke's a very serious thing -- Charles Churchill

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers -- HL Mencken

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer -- Robert Frost

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself -- Henry Morgan

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of -- Jane Austen

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment -- Willis Player

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes -- Mark Twain

A lie told often enough becomes the truth -- Lenin

A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong -- Unknown

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth -- George Bernard Shaw

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad -- Bob Edwards

A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation -- Donald Trump

A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right -- Thomas Paine

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water -- Carl Reiner

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience -- Doug Larson

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her -- Oscar Wilde

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone -- Henry David Thoreau

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure -- Segal's Law

A man's life is interesting primarily when he has failed - I well know. For it's a sign that he tried to surpass himself -- Georges Clemenceau

A man's silence is wonderful to listen to -- Thomas Hardy

A man's worst difficulties begin when he is able to do as he likes -- Thomas Henry Huxley

A martyr's disciples suffer more than the martyr -- Friedrich Nietzsche

A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes -- James Feibleman

A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people -- John F. Kennedy

A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping -- Kenneth Tynan

A new idea is first condemned as ridiculous and then dismissed as trivial, until finally, it becomes what everybody knows -- William James

A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not -- Henry Fielding

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on -- William S. Burroughs

A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance -- Anatole France

A person travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it -- George Moore

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted -- Jerome Blattner

A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child -- HL Mencken

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits -- Robert Heinlein

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort -- Herm Albright

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit -- Richard Bach

A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion -- Robert Chapman

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people -- Peter McArthur

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

A short saying oft contains much wisdom -- Sophocles

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic -- Joseph Stalin

A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world -- John Locke

A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood -- Mark Ardis

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures -- Daniel Webster

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand -- Bertrand Russell

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of -- Burt Bacharach

A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all -- Friedrich Nietzsche

A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward -- Jean Paul Richter

A truly great book should be read in youth, again in maturity and once more in old age, as a fine building should be seen by morning light, at noon and by moonlight -- Robertson Davies

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students -- John Ciardi

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with -- Tennessee Williams

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on -- Samuel Goldwyn

A waist is a terrible thing to mind -- Jane Caminos

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top -- Unknown

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends -- Baltasar Gracian

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds -- Sir Francis Bacon

A witty saying proves nothing -- Voltaire

A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people -- Thomas Mann

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it -- Malcolm Forbes

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born -- Ronald Reagan

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment -- Josh Billings

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends -- Herbert Hoover

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties -- Doug Larson

Act your part -- therein lies the glory -- William Shakespeare

Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion -- Kate Reid

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four -- Katharine Hepburn

Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts -- Saki

Adulthood is the ever-shrinking period between childhood and old age. It is the apparent aim of modern industrial societies to reduce this period to a minimum -- Thomas Szasz

Adventure is just bad planning -- Roald Amundsen

Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper -- Thomas Jefferson

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it -- Stephen Leacock

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one -- Cato the Elder

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager" -- William S. Burroughs

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music -- Aldous Huxley

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' -- Ronnie Shakes

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance -- Laurence J. Peter

Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain -- Friedrich von Schiller

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity -- Tom Stoppard

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough -- Groucho Marx

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others -- George Orwell

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others -- Cyril Connolly

All great truths begin as blasphemies -- George Bernard Shaw

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why -- James Thurber

All marriages are mixed marriages -- Chantal Saperstein

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it -- HL Mencken

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value -- Carl Sagan

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things -- Bobby Knight

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind -- Aristotle

All phone calls are obscene -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity -- Unknown

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income -- Samuel Butler

All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else -- HL Mencken

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance -- Edward Gibbon

All the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway -- Harry S Truman

All the world's a cage -- Jeanne Phillips

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed -- Sean O'Casey

All things are difficult before they are easy -- Dr. Thomas Fuller

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them -- Galileo Galilei

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow -- Evan Esar

All you have to do is know where you're going. The answers will come to you of their own accord -- Earl Nightingale

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing -- Dave Barry

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more -- Mark Twain

Always aim for achievement, and forget about success -- Helen Hayes

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use -- Wendell Johnson

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home -- Phyllis Diller

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest -- Mark Twain

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk -- that will teach you to keep your mouth shut -- Ernest Hemingway

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much -- Oscar Wilde

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day -- Mickey Rooney

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it -- P.J. O'Rourke

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy -- Edgar Bergen

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week -- Evan Esar

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair -- Arnold Toynbee

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies -- Edgar Watson Howe

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic -- Dan Rather

Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh -- W. H. Auden

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered -- GK Chesterton

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do -- Dylan Thomas

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last -- Winston Churchill

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support -- John Buchan

An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations -- Charles de Montesquieu

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible -- Alfred A. Knopf

An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living -- Nicholas Chamfort

An epigram often flashes light into regions where reason shines but dimly -- Edwin P. Whipple

An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy -- Benjamin Stolberg

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought -- Simon Cameron

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous -- Henry Ford

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex -- Aldous Huxley or Edgar Wallace

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger -- Dan Rather

An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions -- Robert A. Humphrey

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are -- Earl Mac Rauch

Anger is a brief lunacy -- Horace

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind -- Evan Esar

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance -- Kurt Vonnegut

Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before -- Edith Wharton

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom -- Soren Kierkegaard

Anxiety is the space between the 'now' and the 'then' -- Richard Abell

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so -- Gore Vidal

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art -- Charles McCabe

Any effort that has self-glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster -- Robert M. Pirsig

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian -- Lee Simonson

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well -- Samuel Butler

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man -- J. Robert Oppenheimer

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule -- Stephen King

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry -- Calvin Trillin

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead -- Erma Bombeck

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment -- Robert Benchley

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it -- Alvin Toffler

Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there -- EH Gombrich

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined -- Samuel Goldwyn

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job -- Douglas Adams

Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby -- Unknown

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it -- Elias Schwartz

Anything too stupid to be said is sung -- Voltaire

Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak -- Sun Tzu

Architecture is the art of how to waste space -- Philip Johnson

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? -- Spike Milligan

Art is either plagiarism or revolution -- Paul Gauguin

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it -- Frank Zappa

Art is science made clear -- Jean Cocteau

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity -- Unknown

As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use -- William James

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality -- Albert Einstein

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did -- Robert Benchley

As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me -- H. Rider Haggard

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it -- Dick Cavett

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on -- Woody Allen

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch -- Orson Welles

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so -- John Stuart Mill

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs -- Christopher Hampton

Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault -- Dr. David M. Burns

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles -- Pat Paulsen

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people -- Philip Guedalla

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B

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having -- Ambrose Bierce

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical -- Yogi Berra

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing -- Wernher von Braun

Bath theorem: when the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

Be a man of value rather than a man of image for, deep value brings a good image but image does not bring any deep value -- Philippos

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind -- Dr. Seuss

Beauty is only a light switch away -- unknown

Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair -- Elie Wiesel

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are -- Bertolt Brecht

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy -- Benjamin Franklin

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish -- Albert Einstein

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories -- John Wilmot

Before you can do something you must first be something -- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Behind every great fortune there is a crime -- Honore de Balzac

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel -- Oscar Levant

Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn -- Benjamin Franklin

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important -- Eugene McCarthy

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision -- Blake Clark

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it -- Andre Gide

Better to be synonymous than anonymous -- anonymous

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self -- Cyril Connolly

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before -- Mae West

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes -- Henry David Thoreau

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Biography lends to death a new terror -- Oscar Wilde

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother -- Oprah Winfrey

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact -- George Eliot

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content -- Paul Valery

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen -- Ambrose Bierce

Bored people, unless they sleep a lot, are cruel -- Renata Adler

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years -- James Thurber

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men -- Kin Hubbard

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away -- Sir Thomas Beecham

Brother, as you travel towards your goal, keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole -- Maxwell House Coffee Billboard, 1946

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies -- Honore de Balzac

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy -- Charles Peters

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown -- Carl Sagan

But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible -- Arthur C. Clarke

But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think -- Lord Byron

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong -- Charles Wadsworth

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C

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others -- Ambrose Bierce

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function -- Unknown

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow -- Jeff Valdez

Cemeteries are full of irreplaceable people -- Arabic proverb

Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there -- Clare Booth Luce

Chance is the pseudonym of God when he did not want to sign -- Theophile Gautier

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved -- Helen Keller

Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries -- James Michener

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose -- Evan Esar

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question -- Albert Camus

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency -- Raymond Chandler

Choose a job that you like and you will never have to work a day in your life -- Confucius

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune -- Kin Hubbard

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely -- P.J. O'Rourke

CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power -- Arthur C. Clarke

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money -- Robin Williams

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious -- Peter Ustinov

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen -- John le Carre

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done -- Fred Allen

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing -- William James

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen -- Albert Einstein

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff -- Frank Zappa

Communism is like one big phone company -- Lenny Bruce

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes -- EW Dijkstra

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done -- Andy Rooney

Confucius say -- woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking -- HL Mencken

Consience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does -- Evan Esar

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago -- Bernard Berenson

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first -- Peter Ustinov

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer? -- George Price

Count Hermann Keyserling once said truly that the greatest American superstition was belief in facts -- John Gunther

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer -- General Patton

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear -- Mark Twain

Courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear -- Mark Twain

Criticism is prejudice made plausible -- HL Mencken

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it -- Paul Tillich

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D

Defining and analysing humor is a pastime of humorless people -- Robert Benchley

Deja moo - the feeling that you've heard this bull before

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame -- Laurence J. Peter

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time -- EB White

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking -- Clement Atlee

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president -- Johnny Carson

Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression -- Amos Bronson Alcott

Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs -- Malcolm Forbes

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives -- Sue Murphy

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made -- Oscar Wilde

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong -- Dandemis

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric -- Bertrand Russell

Do not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness -- James Thurber

Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater -- Albert Einstein

Do one thing every day that scares you -- Eleanor Rooselvelt

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight? -- Al Boliska

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange -- Robin Morgan

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember that a kite rises against - not with - the wind -- Author Hamilton Wright Mabie

Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly -- Franz Kafka

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation -- Kin Hubbard

Don't make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up -- Thomas John Watson

Don't play stupid with me ... I'm better at it

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Don't tell me that man doesn't belong out there. Man belongs wherever he wants to go - and he'll do plenty well when he gets there -- Wernher Von Braun

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night -- Philip K. Dick

Don't wait for the Last Judgement -- it takes place every day -- Albert Camus

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats -- Howard Aiken

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work -- Gallagher

Doors don't slam open -- John Shanahan

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd -- Voltaire

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out -- Alfred Hitchcock

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony -- Robert Benchley

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners -- E. Joseph Cossman

Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig

Due to the lack of experienced trumpeters, the end of the world has been postponed for three weeks

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it -- W. Somerset Maugham

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E

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems -- Rene Descartes

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines -- John Benfield

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college -- P.J. O'Rourke

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Economy is idealism in its most practical form -- Calvin Coolidge

Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed -- Elbert Hubbard

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices -- Laurence J. Peter

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance -- Will Durant

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes -- Norman Douglas

Education is not preparation for life, education is life itself -- John Dewey

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire -- William Butler Yeats

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence -- Robert Frost

Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one -- Malcolm Forbes

Efficiency is intelligent laziness -- Anonymous

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity -- Frank Leahy

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody -- Franklin P. Adams

Equations are the devil's sentences -- Stephen Colbert

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 -- Harper's Index

Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead. It is going on all the time. We are in it now -- Charlotte P. Gilman

Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle -- Darby Conley

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree -- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there -- Will Rogers

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better -- Samuel Beckett

Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority -- Thomas H. Huxley

Every hero becomes a bore at last -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every increased possession loads us with new weariness -- John Ruskin

Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts -- Bernard Mannes Baruch

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion -- Robertson Davies

Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence -- Frank Zappa

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense -- Gertrude Stein

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them -- P.J. O'Rourke

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens -- Nick Diamos

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money -- Arthur Miller

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians -- Jimmy Wales

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television -- David Letterman

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes -- Edgard Varese

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege -- Unknown

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence -- Laurence J. Peter

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself -- Leo Tolstoy

Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant -- Cary Grant

Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else -- Will Rogers

Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo -- Robert Byrne

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it -- Alfred North Whitehead

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher -- Flannery O'Connor

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time -- Steven Wright

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer -- Charles Caleb Colton

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit -- W. Somerset Maugham

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills -- Minna Antrim

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue -- Barry Morris Goldwater

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F

Facts are stupid things -- Ronald Reagan

Facts are the enemy of truth -- Miguel de Cervantes

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored -- Aldous Huxley

Facts have a cruel way of substituting themselves for fancies. There is nothing more remorseless, just as there is nothing more helpful, than truth -- William C. Redfield

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others -- Jules Renard

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible -- Stanislaw Lem

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable -- HL Mencken

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens -- J. R. Tolkien

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children -- Mark Twain

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly -- Simeon Strunsky

Fanaticism is ... overcompensation for doubt -- Robertson Davies

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other -- Unknown

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past -- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there -- P.J. O'Rourke

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example -- Mark Twain

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own -- Doug Larson

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't -- Mark Twain

Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears -- Robert W. Sarnoff

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion -- Richard Nixon

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time -- Honore de Balzac

First ponder. Then dare -- Helmuth Von Moltke

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue -- Greek Proverb

First things first, but not necessarily in that order -- Doctor Who

First you're an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity -- Martin Myers

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is -- PJ O'Rourke

Flattery is the infantry of negotiation -- Lord Chandos

Fools rush in where fools have been before -- Unknown

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings -- George F. Will

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three -- Alice Kahn

For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled -- Richard Feynman

For all our conceits about being the center of the universe, we live in a routine planet of a humdrum star stuck away in an obscure corner ... on an unexceptional galaxy which is one of about 100 billion galaxies. That is the fundamental fact of the universe we inhabit, and it is very good for us to understand that -- Carl Sagan

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty people who don't want to learn, much -- WC Sellar and RJ Yeatman

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman -- Virginia Woolf

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off -- Johnny Carson

Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic -- Thomas Szasz

Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, / And toss them on the wheels of Chance -- Juvenal

Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them -- Suzanne Necker

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting -- Alan Dean Foster

Friendly fire isn't

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate -- Thomas Jones

Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck -- George Carlin

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it -- Groucho Marx

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G

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped -- Elbert Hubbard

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything -- Frank Dane

Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk -- Andy Gibb

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks! -- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant -- Scott Adams

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities -- Frank Lloyd Wright

Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys -- P.J. O'Rourke

Go ahead and laugh out loud. Half of the people who hear you will laugh with you - the other half will wonder what you're up to -- Carrie Gering

God help those who do not help themselves -- Wilson Mizner

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project -- anonymous

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through -- Paul Valery

God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road -- Isak Dinesen

God never meant for pictures to fly through the air -- CBC Radio's Promo Girl

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at -- Jimmy Demaret

Golf combines two favourite American pastimes: Taking long walks and hitting things with a stick -- P.J. O'Rourke

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment -- A.A. Milne

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment -- Barry LePatner

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure -- William Saroyan

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws -- Plato

Good poets borrow; great poets steal -- T. S. Eliot

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians -- Chester Bowles

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favours -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people -- Admiral Hyman G. Rickover or Eleanor Roosevelt

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine -- Fran Lebowitz

Great souls endure in silence -- Friedrich von Schiller

Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together -- Vincent van Gogh

Great thoughts reduced to practice become great acts -- William Hazlit

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with -- Mark Twain

Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy man has no time to form -- Andre Maurois

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H

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them -- Dr. Martin Henry Fischer

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half -- John Wanamaker

Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted -- Fred Allen

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know -- Ernest Hemingway

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults -- Thomas Szasz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city -- George Burns

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory -- Albert Schweitzer

Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember -- Oscar Levant

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length -- Robert Frost

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way -- Leo Tolstoy

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Edgar Bergen

Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything -- Sydney Smith

Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author? - - Philip G. Hamerton

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know -- Abraham Lincoln

He declares himself guilty who justifies himself before accusation -- Anonymous

He had delusions of adequacy -- Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire -- Winston Churchill

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary -- William Faulkner speaking of Ernest Hemingway

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends -- Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh's ear for music -- Billy Wilder

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him -- Eddie Cantor

He is a self-made man and worships his creator -- John Bright

He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others -- Samuel Johnson

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death -- Saki

He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes -- James Thurber

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him -- Forrest Tucker

He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical -- GK Chesterton

He talked with more claret than clarity -- Susan Ertz

He was a chef who only knew two recipes: failure and disaster

He was one of those men who think that the world can be saved by writing a pamphlet -- Benjamin Disraeli

He who breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom -- J. R. R. Tolkien

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches -- George Bernard Shaw

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

He who hesitates is a damned fool -- Mae West

He who is most creative conceals his sources the best

He who minds his own business is never unemployed

He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have -- Don Juan Manuel

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing -- Redd Foxx

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history -- George Bernard Shaw

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned -- Milton Friedman

Hell is full of musical amateurs -- George Bernard Shaw

Hello seeker! Now don't feel alone here in the New Age, because there's a seeker born every minute -- Firesign Theatre

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is -- Will Rogers

He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed -- Saki

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch -- unknown

Hesitation is the leading cause of roadkill -- unknown

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty -- Billy Wilder

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy -- Woody Allen

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork -- Mae West

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them -- Leo Tolstoy

History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind -- Edward Gibbon

History is the record of an encounter between character and circumstances -- Donald Creighton

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom -- Leonard Louis Levinson

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again -- Maya Angelou

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law -- Douglas Hofstadter

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars -- Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation -- Walter Winchell

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul -- Marilyn Monroe

Home is not where you live but where they understand you -- Christion Morgenstern

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo -- George Bernard Shaw

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control -- Don Marquis

Honesty is the best image -- Tom Wilson

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy -- George Carlin

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people -- Kin Hubbard

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment -- Evan Esar

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people -- WC Fields

Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else -- James Thorpe

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese? -- Charles De Gaulle

How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality -- Norman Douglas

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct -- Benjamin Disraeli

How my achievements mock me! -- William Shakespeare

Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it -- Ted Morgan

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen -- Martin Mull

Human beings are the only creatures who are able to behave irrationally in the name of reason -- Ashley Montagu

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so -- Douglas Adams

Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons -- R. Buckminster Fuller

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose -with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs -- P.J. O'Rourke

Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are -- Laurence J. Peter

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does -- Bill Nye

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I

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy -- WC Fields

I am a deeply superficial person -- Andy Warhol

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy -- JD Salinger

I am against using death as a punishment. I am also against using it as a reward -- Stanislaw J. Lec

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it -- Pablo Picasso

I am an idealist. I don't know where I am going, but I am on my way -- Carl Sandburg

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world -- Michael Crichton

I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine -- Fritz Perls

I am not young enough to know everything -- Oscar Wilde

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter -- Sir Winston Churchill

I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me somebody -- Louis L'Amour

I am the inferior of any man whose rights I trample underfoot -- Horace Greele

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers -- Mahatma Gandhi

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it -- Garrison Keillor

I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time -- HL Mencken

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies -- Thomas Jefferson

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty -- Nancy Reagan

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed -- Frank Deford

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change -- Dan Quayle

I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible -- Oscar Wilde

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize -- George Bernard Shaw

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland -- Woody Allen

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies -- Oscar Wilde

I could prove God statistically -- George Gallup

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it -- Mark Twain

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink -- Joe E. Lewis

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear -- Woody Allen

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them -- Isaac Asimov

I do not know which makes a man more conservative-to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past -- John Maynard Keynes

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it -- Thomas Jefferson

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them -- Jane Austen

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either -- Jack Benny

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks -- Groucho Marx

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts -- Will Rogers

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say -- Marshall McLuhan

I don't really trust a sane person -- Lyle Alzado

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs -- Samuel Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying -- Woody Allen

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it -- Rita Mae Brown

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me -- John Cleese

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book -- Groucho Marx

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it -- Mae West

I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men who don't have any -- Ann Richards

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult -- EB White

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from -- Eddie Izzard

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it -- Samuel Goldwyn

I had grown tired of standing in the lean and lonely front line facing the greatest enemy that ever confronted man - public opinion -- Clarence Seward Darrow

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am -- Joseph Baretti

I hate music, especially when it's played -- Jimmy Durante

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts -- Orson Welles

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me -- Hunter S. Thompson

I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion -- Muhammad Ali

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time -- Charles M. Schulz

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died -- Richard Diran

I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours -- Hunter S. Thompson

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents -- Sir Winston Churchill

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth -- Umberto Eco

I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians -- Charles De Gaulle

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something -- Jackie Mason

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it -- Harry S Truman

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution -- Wernher von Braun

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting -- Ronald Reagan

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves -- Bruce Grocott

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure -- Clarence Darrow

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education -- Mark Twain

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting -- Mark Twain

I have no use for men who fail. The cause of their failure is no business of mine, but I want successful men as my associates -- John Davison Rockefeller

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work -- Thomas Alva Edison

I have noted that persons with bad judgment are most insistent that we do what they think best -- Lionel Abe

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers -- Adrienne E. Gusoff

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them -- George Bush

I have read your book and much like it -- Moses Hadas

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf -- Robert Bloch

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world -- Georges Duhamel

I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be -- Thomas Jefferson

I improve on misquotation -- Cary Grant

I intend to live forever. So far, so good -- Steven Wright

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming -- Mitch Hedberg

I know nothing about sex because I was always married -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I know of no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution -- Ulysses S. Grant

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -- Tom Lehrer

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant -- Robert McCloskey

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe -- Richard Gere

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me -- Noel Coward

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world -- Oscar Wilde

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals -- Sir Winston Churchill

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours -- Jerome K. Jerome

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life -- George Burns

I look upon every day to be lost, in which I do not make a new acquaintance -- Samuel Johnson

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork -- Peter De Vries

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known -- Walt Disney

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself -- Marlene Dietrich

I may look 60 -- but I'm actually 18 with 42 years of experience -- Unknown

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be -- Douglas Adams

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions -- Augusten Burroughs

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception -- Groucho Marx

I never guess. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I never know how much of what I say is true -- Bette Midler

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years -- Samuel Goldwyn

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough -- Albert Einstein

I no longer prepare food or drink with more than one ingredient -- Cyra McFadden

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation -- George Bernard Shaw

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays -- Henny Youngman

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly -- Michel de Montaigne

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back -- Richard Lewis

I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it -- GK Chesterton

I see the mind of the 5-year-old as a volcano with two vents: destructiveness and creativeness -- Sylvia Ashton-Warner

I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good -- Seneca

I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck -- Graffito

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made -- Dan Quayle

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph -- Shirley Temple

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home -- Robert Orben

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back -- Henny Youngman

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there -- Herb Caen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal -- Woody Allen

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity -- Tom Stoppard

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image -- Stephen Hawking

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy -- Frank Zappa

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately -- George Carlin

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience -- Shelley Winters

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to -- Dave Barry

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability -- Oscar Wilde

I think the world is run by 'C' students -- Al McGuire

I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart, and that is softness of head -- Theodore Roosevelt

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet -- Rodney Dangerfield

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia -- Woody Allen

I touch the future. I teach -- Christa McAuliffe

I used to go missing a lot ... Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World -- George Best

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight -- Rita Rudner

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect -- George Burns

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes

I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live -- Socrates

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out -- Steven Wright

I wasn't lost, it's just that no one could find me -- Billy Connelly

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up -- Tom Lehrer

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult -- Rita Rudner

I wonder what it means when your grandson is more crotchety than you are -- Aaron McGruder

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong -- Bertrand Russell

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave -- EM Forster

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it -- Thomas Jefferson

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief -- Gerry Spence

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem -- John Galsworthy

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows -- David T. Wolf

Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything -- Floyd Dell

Idleness is sweet, and its consequences are cruel -- John Quincy Adams

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? -- Laurence J. Peter

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer -- Alfred North Whitehead

If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood -- Jack Handey

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties -- Sir Francis Bacon

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? - - Harry Shearer

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error -- John Kenneth Galbraith

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised -- Dorothy Parker

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around -- Christina Stead

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything -- Bill Lyon

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music ... and of aviation -- Tom Stoppard

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough -- Mario Andretti

If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport -- George Winters

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows -- Jewish Proverb

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets -- Mel Brooks

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience! -- George Bernard Shaw

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive -- Samuel Goldwyn

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner -- Tallulah Bankhead

If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants -- Isaac Newton

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect -- Ted Turner

If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little bit more -- Jules Renard

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - - Abraham Lincoln

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break -- Thomas Fuller

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners -- Johnny Carson

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little -- George Carlin

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them -- Isaac Asimov

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead -- Johnny Carson

If little else, the brain is an educational toy -- Tom Robbins

If man does find the solution for world peace it will be the most revolutionary reversal of his record we have ever known -- George C. Marshall

If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate -- Elbert Hubbard

If men were angels, no government would be necessary -- James Madison

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster -- Isaac Asimov

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled -- PG Wodehouse

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: President Can't Swim -- Lyndon B. Johnson

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time -- Edith Wharton

If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G.B. Shaw

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done -- Ludwig Wittgenstein

If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian -- Paul McCartney

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside -- Robert X. Cringely

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts -- Albert Einstein

If the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em -- Yogi Berra

If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it -- Emerson Pugh

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me -- Jimmy Buffett

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done -- Peter Ustinov

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? -- Scott Adams

If there is anything more dangerous to the life of the mind than having no independent commitment to ideas, it is having an excess of commitment to some special and constricting idea -- Richard Hofstadter

If there's one thing Canadians hate more than wrong-doing, it's those who expose it -- unknown

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee -- Abraham Lincoln

If time flies when you're having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don't think you're having enough -- Jef Mallett

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking -- Lyndon B. Johnson

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane -- Jimmy Buffett

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going -- Professor Irwin Corey

If we don't expect, we have all things -- Buddha

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure -- Anonymous

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? -- Vince Lombardi

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality -- Desmond Tutu

If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much -- Donald H. Rumsfeld

If you are young and you drink a great deal, it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat -in other words, turn you into an adult -- P.J. O'Rourke

If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm -- Bruce Barton

If you cannot convince them, confuse them -- Harry S Truman

If you don't know what to do, call the media and at least give the appearance of doing something -- David Peterson

If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else -- Laurence J. Peter

If you don't make mistakes, you aren't really trying -- Coleman Hawking

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt -- Dean Martin

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging -- Will Rogers

If you have any doubts that we live in a society controlled by men, try reading down the index of contributors to a volume of quotations, looking for women's names -- Elaine Gill

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it -- Margaret Fuller

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day -- John A. Wheeler

If you let other people do it for you, they will do it to you -- Robert Anthony

If you limit your actions in life to things that nobody can possibly find fault with, you will not do much -- Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age -- George Burns

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you really make them think, they'll hate you -- Don Marquis

If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun -- Katharine Hepburn

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man -- Mark Twain

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it -- Pierre Gallois

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography -- P.J. O'Rourke

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? -- Steven Wright

If you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes -- Robert Redford

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research -- Wilson Mizne

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything -- Mark Twain

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf -- Bob Hope

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things -- Rene Descartes

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either -- Dick Cavett

If you're not a myth, then whose reality are you?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate -- Henry J. Tillman

If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work -- John Alejandro King

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge -- Charles Darwin

Ignorant men don't know what good they hold in their hands until they've flung it away -- Sophocles

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it -- Terry Pratchett

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian -- Robert Orben

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it -- Dan Quayle

I'm a born-again atheist -- Gore Vidal

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it -- Thomas Jefferson

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters -- Frank Lloyd Wright

I'm as pure as the driven slush -- Tallulah Bankhead

I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office where future diplomats are taught to stammer -- Peter Ustinov

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man -- Fred Allen

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading -- Zach Braff

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart -- ee cummings

I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts -- Bethania McKenstry

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know -- Garry Shandling

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge -- Edward Chilton

Imagination is more important than knowledge -- Albert Einstein

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality -- Jules de Gaultier

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining -- Jef Raskin

Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know -- Marvin Minsky

Imitation is the sincerest form of television -- Fred Allen

In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything -- Jeffery F. Chamberlain

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it -- Unknown

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act -- George Orwell

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear -- John C. Dvorak

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time -- Edward P. Tryon

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing -- Theodore Roosevelt

In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation -- Roger Allen

In democracy it's your vote that counts, In feudalism it's your count that votes -- Mogens Jallberg

In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning -- AE Housman

In every part and corner of our life, to lose oneself is to be gainer; to forget oneself is to be happy -- Robert Louis Stevenson

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man -- Alfred Hitchcock

In heaven all the interesting people are missing -- Friedrich Nietzsche

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk -- Rita Rudner

In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right -- Ellen Goodman

In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others -- Andre Maurois

In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them -- Johann von Neumann

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock -- Thomas Jefferson

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait -- Jose Simon

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before -- George W. Bush

In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily -- Charles Count Talleyrand

In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat -- Robert Byrne

In our era, the road to holiness necessarily passes through the world of action -- Dag Hammarskjold

In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself - nature does it for you -- Frank Wilczek

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap -- Napoleon Bonaparte

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra -- Fran Lebowitz

In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be -- Hubert H. Humphrey

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination -- Mark Twain

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite -- Paul Dirac

In science, 'fact' can only mean 'confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.' I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms -- Stephen Jay Gould

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined -- Thomas Szasz

In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few -- Shunryu Suzuki

In the end, everything is a gag -- Charlie Chaplin

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards -- Mark Twain

In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes -- Andy Warhol

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death -- Joan D. Vinge

In the republic of mediocrity genius is dangerous -- Robert G. Ingersoll

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is -- Chuck Reid

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain -- Pliny the Elder

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on -- Robert Frost

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these -- Paul Harvey

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost -- Russell Baker

Include me out -- Yogi Berra

Indecision may or may not be my problem -- Jimmy Buffett

Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes -- Voltaire

Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil -- Elie Wiesel

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy -- Nora Ephron

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long -- Leonard Bernstein

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks -- Doug Larson

Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful -- Samuel Johnson

Intolerance of ambiguity is the mark of an authoritarian personality -- Theodor Adorno

Invention is the mother of necessity -- Thorstein Veblen

Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors -- Thomas H. Huxley

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care -- William Safire

It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves -- Carl Gustav Jung

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress -- Mark Twain

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor -- Neil Gaiman

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues -- Abraham Lincoln

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this -- Bertrand Russell

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value -- Arthur C. Clarke

It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them -- Dame Rose Macaulay

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations -- Sir Winston Churchill

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish -- Aeschylus

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information -- Oscar Wilde

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious -- Oscar Wilde

It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative -- John Burroughs

It is always the best policy to speak the truth -- unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar -- Jerome K. Jerome

It is always the secure who are humble -- G.K. Chesterton

It is bad luck to be superstitious -- Andrew W. Mathis

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it -- Henry Allen

It is better to be quotable than to be honest -- Tom Stoppard

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them - - Mark Twain

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers -- James Thurber

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree -- Charles Baudelaire

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong -- Voltaire

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his job depends on not understanding it -- Upton Sinclair

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them -- Alfred Adler

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man -- HL Mencken

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed -- Theodore Roosevelt

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it -- Jacob Bronowski

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument -- William G. McAdoo

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf -- HL Mencken

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge -- Enrico Fermi

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society -- Krishnamurti

It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them -- Isabel Colegate

It is not a bad thing that children should occasionally, and politely, put parents in their place -- Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well -- Rene Descartes

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail -- Gore Vidal

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves -- William Shakespeare

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them -- Beaumarchais

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. -- GH Hardy

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese -- Carl Sagan

It is one of the maladies of our age to profess a frenzied allegiance to truth in unimportant matters, to refuse consistently to face her where graver issues are at stake -- Janos Arany

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis -- Margaret Bonnano

It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great -- Havelock Ellis

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which more than anything else will affect its successful outcome -- William James

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously -- Peter Ustinov

It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it -- Thomas Babington Macaulay

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power -- David Brin

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull -- HL Mencken

It is the heart that makes a man rich. He is rich according to what he is, not according to what he has -- Henry Ward Beecher

It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people -- Logan Pearsall Smith

It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin sister -- Abigail Van Buren

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims -- Aristotle

It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it -- Robert E. Lee

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others -- John Andrew Holmes

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy -- Groucho Marx

It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars -- Arthur C. Clarke

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important -- Martin Luther King Jr.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea -- Robert Anton Wilson

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety -- Isaac Asimov

It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan -- Eleanor Roosevelt

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are -- ee cummings

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway -- Evan Esar

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth -- George Burns

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech -- Mark Twain

It was beautiful and simple, as truly great swindles are -- O. Henry

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life -- PD James

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up -- W. Somerset Maugham

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it -- Mark Twain

It's a dangerous business going out your front door -- JRR Tolkien

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear -- Dick Cavett

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it -- Steven Wright

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper -- Jerry Seinfeld

It's never just a game when you're winning -- George Carlin

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like -- Jackie Mason

It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions -- Randy K. Milholland

It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting -- Tom Stoppard

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over -- Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem -- Malcolm Forbes

It's so popular nobody goes there anymore -- Yogi Berra

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time -- Tallulah Bankhead

I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position -- Pat Conroy

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not -- Fran Lebowitz

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it -- Groucho Marx

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial -- Irvin S. Cobb

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Jazz? If you gotta ask, you'll never know -- Louis Armstrong

Judgment is more than skill. It sets forth on intellectual seas beyond the shores of hard indisputable factual information -- Kingman Brewster

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless -- Thomas A. Edison

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar -- Edward R. Murrow

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets -- Unknown

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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards -- Benjamin Franklin

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment -- Lao Tzu

Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it -- Samuel Johnson

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person -- Ethel Mumford

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Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle -- Ken Hakuta

Lack of money is the root of all evil -- George Bernard Shaw

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone -- Tommy Cooper

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died -- Steven Wright

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes -- Aaron McGruder

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone -- Anthony Burgess

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it -- Cullen Hightower

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward -- Kurt Vonnegut

Laughter is the closest distance between two people -- Victor Borge

Law of close encounters: the probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of coffee: as soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Law of lockers: if there are only two people in a locker-room, they will have adjacent lockers

Law of mechanical repair: after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee

Law of probability: the probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of the alibi: if you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire

Law of the result: when you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

Law of the workshop: any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made -- Otto von Bismarck

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once -- Charles Lamb

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life -- Robert Byrne

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage -- Publius Syrus

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch -- National Lampoon

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation -- Judith Martin

Let's have some new cliches -- Samuel Goldwyn

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it -- George Bernard Shaw

Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain -- John F. Kennedy

Life - the way it really is - is a battle not between Bad and Good but between Bad and Worse -- Joseph Brodsky

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge -- Paul Gauguin

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards -- Soren Kierkegaard

Life i

web watch - i wish i had said that

wiseguy words to live by

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